Monthly Archives: February 2012

The weird and not so wonderful

English: Handmade soap

Image via Wikipedia

To my knowledge, the only reason people would partake in extremely weird beauty treatments would be a slight lack of excitement in their lives, and a total lack of sanity. People who want to stick snails on their faces, snakes on their backs and lather up in someone else’s breast milk. Ew. Snails should be kept out in the garden under pot plants. Snakes belong only in tombs waiting for their enemies, Indiana Jones and Saint Patrick. And did these people not know of the age limit on breast milk? If there was a taboo on older children breastfeeding, then what social boundary did the people who use a soap made out of strange women’s breasts leap over?

Ok, so the snail bit first. There is a whole line of snail serum products on offer, to get rid of acne, stretch marks and dull complexion. Their slime boasts these fabulous results, and it’s the slime of not just any snail but the fanciest of all: Chilean snail “Helix Aspersa Muller”. Just let this elite snail slide around on your face or use his line of cosmetic products made from his ooze, and you’ll have your €70’s money worth. Il take a bottle of Clearasil instead, thanks.

Or why don’t you travel to Israel, where the lazy massage therapists let seven snakes do their job for them. Don’t worry, their non-venomous and I’m guessing they probably have years’ worth of training and a degree under their belt. Without expertise or a man in a turban playing a flute next to you, I can’t see the appeal or the reasoning for this one.

And the breast milk soap. Women who wake up one day and say, hey, my baby isn’t enough of a reminder of my pregnancy so I’ll make a bar of soap with my leftover milk. And for the people who use it, when it has no proven results better than normal soap, please go get your fetish kicks somewhere else and leave the poor sentimental mothers and their milk alone.

I don’t care what kind of flawless skin or muscle loosening these treatments bring. For a lot less money, disgust and weirdness I’m sure they stock something with the same results in Brown Thomas. This is where you will find me, safely hidden away from the snakes, snails and breast soap, and away from the “risk takers” of our world. I’d much rather talk to some nice sales lady.

 

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Needles are the new Sally Hanson

Hypodermic Needle Stomach Injection 3-1-08 8278

Hypodermic Needle Stomach Injection 3-1-08 8278 (Photo credit: stevendepolo)

Our country is riddled with the disease of paleness, but blessed be the bottles of fake tan at our exposure or I would never wear a dress again. Those of us who like the bronzed lifestyle buy fake tan by the bucket load, stand naked for spray tans, lie in UV light for hours and pop tanning tablets. We’ll go to pretty much any length to stay glowing, but would you go to the lengths of a drug addict?

Tanning injections are the new black market buzz that’s peeking interest in Ireland. Illegal, dangerous and not even approved for human use, these injections are the worst extreme Irish lasses have ever turned to for a tan. And I am truly worried. So much is wrong with them that I don’t even know where to start.

Let me explain what these injections are. They come as sachets of Melanotan powder, which is a chemical hormone that is being developed for skin intolerance to the sun. It then must be mixed with a “solution”, and injected daily with an insulin needle to the stomach area. Sounding a bit dodgy yet? It’s bought and sold over the internet, and contents can include an already used needle and incorrect dosage. Now I think were past dodgy.

Immediate side effects can range from nausea to increased blood pressure. That might not sound too bad, maybe you’d even be ok with the long-term side effects, a small thing known as cancer and that tingly feeling you get called organ failure. Do you really want to stab yourself to the point of sickness to look darker? The only thing I’ve left to say to this train wreck of dodgy needles, sickness, disease and desperation is thanks, but no thanks. I’ll take mine out of a bottle any day.

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